tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post2150576847456071844..comments2024-02-28T05:22:16.853-05:00Comments on I Won't Fear Love: 'Tis the seasonJuliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09745262857388007041noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-26925095462281936612008-01-21T08:57:00.000-05:002008-01-21T08:57:00.000-05:00julia I know it seems unfair but as we know parent...julia I know it seems unfair but as we know parenting is trial and error and at least our children are brave and smart enough to say what they need and point out they get it on some level. They will be stronger and more empathetic to others because of it. I have no doubt, I am sorry we ever feel doubt in our parenting. You're wonderful with her, no worries.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-7092621918555035842008-01-18T12:39:00.000-05:002008-01-18T12:39:00.000-05:00Lori, you know, that made me uncomfortable too. I ...Lori, you know, that made me uncomfortable too. I am almost sorry I didn't press her to get the subtext out. But if my intuition is correct, they have had a loss or losses that they managed to keep from Hannah, and if that's the case, I think that was coloring her view. I gave her a break on that assumption-- that her own loss experiences are the limit of what she could see and imagine, or that they were what immediately came to mind for her and colored her perception. <BR/><BR/>Beth and Eve, I am so sorry. And thank you for letting me know this is a long road for all of us as we work to maintain Monkey's ability to feel and think through her emotions and to talk to us when she needs to. <BR/><BR/>Christyna, I am so sorry. It's all so unfair, especially the part where it hurts our other children.Juliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09745262857388007041noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-21587322314050253032008-01-18T09:45:00.000-05:002008-01-18T09:45:00.000-05:00Oh, wow. I was just a little older than Monkey whe...Oh, wow. I was just a little older than Monkey when my much-older brother killed himself, and I remember very clearly getting into a fight with a boy at school who told me that my brother couldn't go to heaven. "But it's in the Bible," he kept telling me (this has since become one of my least-favorite phrases). I knew nothing about what the Bible said, but I knew that my brother was a good person, just sad and troubled, and it made no sense to me that heaven would keep him out.<BR/><BR/>I think you (and the school) are doing such an amazing job with your daughter and her grief. After my brother died, so many people said, right in front of me, "Oh, she's so lucky that she won't remember this." I was 7! I remember all of it. And Monkey will, too, and it will color her life in so many ways. I've found what Beth said to be absolutely true: I have grieved in different ways as I've grown up and been able to parse my feelings a little better.<BR/><BR/>But along the way, your reactions and patience and wisdom will make her a stronger person. And yes, I think it would be good to include her.<BR/><BR/>I'm sending you best wishes and strength for the next few weeks. <BR/><BR/>--EveAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-13659849273382191042008-01-17T20:56:00.000-05:002008-01-17T20:56:00.000-05:00What a beautiful post.And oh! My heart aches for ...What a beautiful post.<BR/><BR/>And oh! My heart aches for Monkey.Shttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05602868040771218507noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-68556402378433289552008-01-17T20:41:00.000-05:002008-01-17T20:41:00.000-05:00I think your description of your conversation with...I think your description of your conversation with Hannah's mother almost bothered me more than poor Monkey's exchange (although my heart broke for her). Because Hannah's mother is an adult and yet she dismissed your loss, having already decided in her own mind that it was "early" and your telling of Monkey "unnecessary." At least that is how it sounded to me. But that is my own insecurities coming through.<BR/><BR/>That Monkey is quite a girl.Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05528541804521203406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-90577473950719609672008-01-17T18:25:00.000-05:002008-01-17T18:25:00.000-05:00Wow, i am impressed with M. Yes, i think you shou...Wow, i am impressed with M. Yes, i think you should take her to the synagogue.katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16536809590856333391noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-75004561641819222762008-01-17T12:19:00.000-05:002008-01-17T12:19:00.000-05:00I think that you should take Monkey and that it ju...I think that you should take Monkey and that it just might do her a world of good.<BR/><BR/>She seems to be handling it very very well, and it sounds like you've done a wonderful job at helping her to deal with her feelings.Aureliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13691032415028867902noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-46315432589042098372008-01-17T11:37:00.000-05:002008-01-17T11:37:00.000-05:00Sounds like Monkey is ready for any and all parts ...Sounds like Monkey is ready for any and all parts of the yahrzeit. Her (and your) wisdom and grace about all of these complex emotions are astonishing and inspiring.<BR/><BR/>Thinking about you often and very fondly, and thinking about how very much A. mattered, and still matters.Snickollethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14123630374052898460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-54162339186953090552008-01-17T10:53:00.000-05:002008-01-17T10:53:00.000-05:00Monkey will be grieving her entire life- as will y...Monkey will be grieving her entire life- as will you I know, but a child's grief is different. She will grieve anew as she reaches developmental milestones; it's almost as if the loss occurs over and over again for a child, as they reach new levels of understanding. Take it from one who's been there, I lost my baby brother 33 years ago, when I was 6.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-31297962689742372862008-01-17T10:19:00.000-05:002008-01-17T10:19:00.000-05:00some children are simply amazing, Monkey is one of...some children are simply amazing, Monkey is one of them. It also directly shows wonderful parenting. My A is such an empathetic child who feels hurt so deeply that I have had to change the way I react to him and he's a 7 year old boy. I kept my 7 week loss a secret, yet he saw and felt me hurting so badly he automatically thought he did or said something wrong. I had to tell him, and even tho he doesn't understand what happened he understands Mommy is hurting and it is not his fault. He also is very verbal about a sibling now. He wants one and makes no hiding of that fact. But never brought it up much before I explained what happened. <BR/><BR/>I feel bad for children who have no empathy and don't even know what it is to share their real feelings but that too seems to be associated with their parents. <BR/><BR/>You broke my heart with this post and also put it back together. She is the definition of a beautiful, loving, empathetic child which makes you a most wonderful mother. My thoughts are with all of you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-67539042605583563352008-01-16T19:58:00.000-05:002008-01-16T19:58:00.000-05:00oh Julia, this post. my heart.i once thought, bac...oh Julia, this post. my heart.<BR/><BR/>i once thought, back in the early days of my own grief, that people whose losses were not of first children had it easier...because they still "counted" as parents in the eyes of others, were not excluded from conversations, had other paths by which they could talk about their kids. i've long since learned that there is no comparing, just a thousand ways to break your heart. and Monkey, with her sweet and unselfconscious grief, breaks mine.<BR/><BR/>i think she sounds like the inclusion would be healthy and helpful for her.Bonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14403701620708365171noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-29098595003590036412008-01-16T19:14:00.000-05:002008-01-16T19:14:00.000-05:00Thank you, thank you. I'm crying really hard righ...Thank you, thank you. I'm crying really hard right now mine was a miscarriage, not a stillbirth, and nobody (not just 5 year olds) seems to understand why it counted. Because we loved it. Because we were so happy after trying for so long. I have all my hopes and wishes going out for your u/s results.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-24618943577773296212008-01-16T19:04:00.000-05:002008-01-16T19:04:00.000-05:00Wow...children are so amazing. Your allowing her t...Wow...children are so amazing. Your allowing her to grieve and guiding her is beautiful. For her to know that it is ok, is so important. <BR/><BR/>Thinking of you, and wishing you strength, peace and love.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06959816794813024196noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-1583079407801144132008-01-16T19:00:00.000-05:002008-01-16T19:00:00.000-05:00that monkey's a sweet pea. what amazing depth of t...that monkey's a sweet pea. what amazing depth of thought for a little one. <BR/>i agree with you, i would take her this weekend. she is clearly old enough to get it. to know that A did matter.christina(apronstrings)https://www.blogger.com/profile/11806155985753148490noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-52121069525262789942008-01-16T17:08:00.000-05:002008-01-16T17:08:00.000-05:00Monkey is an incredible child. I wonder if maybe...Monkey is an incredible child. I wonder if maybe she is helping you to focus on what was important. A mattered, he was loved and he is missed.<BR/><BR/>I think you should include her at the synagogue, it might make her feel as if she is doing something for her little brother.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-25417364959872168042008-01-16T16:49:00.000-05:002008-01-16T16:49:00.000-05:00She is an amazing little girl, your Monkey.She is an amazing little girl, your Monkey.Phantom Scribblerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03258384756183844406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-34378342420687998902008-01-16T16:47:00.000-05:002008-01-16T16:47:00.000-05:00Niobe and Meg, I think my fingers must've been thi...Niobe and Meg, I think my fingers must've been thinking the same thing. :)Juliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09745262857388007041noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-58251729692271146592008-01-16T16:44:00.000-05:002008-01-16T16:44:00.000-05:00I too thought the sun was on purpose, thought it f...I too thought the sun was on purpose, thought it fit very well.<BR/><BR/>Miss Monkey, is an inspiration. I could learn a thing or two or three on grieving from her. And yes, you are doing a wonderful job of guiding her. I hope you do include her.meghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00113578396438869433noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-4725888523440934002008-01-16T16:22:00.000-05:002008-01-16T16:22:00.000-05:00I am awestruck with M's maturity and grace, and eq...I am awestruck with M's maturity and grace, and equally impressed with your ability to have instilled her with this sense of sisterhood and need/ability to grieve. I would include her, if it were me. She clearly understands the broad outlines, and may find the ritual not only interesting but soothing, and later may be able to help friends (lil fkn snot) going through similar. I have not told anyone at Bella's school, and they have a segment on family coming up, so I'm just going to play it by ear. I'm not sure if she's going to bring up her sister, nor am I sure if I will reminder her if she doesn't. It's a very fine line between integrating and pushing this on her. I certainly know where to come for advice. I'll think of you this weekend, and through the week.Tashhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07376651134993450207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-39992440431588211362008-01-16T14:09:00.000-05:002008-01-16T14:09:00.000-05:00Monkey is a wonderful big sister. I wish you stren...Monkey is a wonderful big sister. I wish you strength for the coming weeks, to take care of youself, JD, and Monkey.Ameliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10483756694695666215noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-63754760991321337522008-01-16T14:07:00.000-05:002008-01-16T14:07:00.000-05:00I actually thought the "sun" was on purpose. As i...I actually thought the "sun" was on purpose. As in, they think the earth revolves around him.niobehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10685766216611639434noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-22848625452533775402008-01-16T14:03:00.000-05:002008-01-16T14:03:00.000-05:00You are most assuredly not screwing up - and she i...You are most assuredly not screwing up - and she is doing what she needs to and you are letting her. She is amazing and will continue to be so.Karenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09390898429089863816noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-41777656998341374672008-01-16T13:48:00.000-05:002008-01-16T13:48:00.000-05:00In your grief, you've given your daughter a precio...In your grief, you've given your daughter a precious gift. She's got the space and freedom to grieve, to talk about her grief, and she doesn't have to pretend it's ok, that she's over it, that his loss no longer matters. Together, as a family, you're grieving and that can only help in the healing process. <BR/><BR/>I think you're right to include her, and I think ultimately it will mean a lot to all of you to have done so. Big, big hugs.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-43819556058247483952008-01-16T13:35:00.000-05:002008-01-16T13:35:00.000-05:00And ooops-- I just noticed and fixed that typo (su...And ooops-- I just noticed and fixed that typo (sun vs son). How embarrassing.Juliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09745262857388007041noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8214358853640360621.post-50846202135394271912008-01-16T13:30:00.000-05:002008-01-16T13:30:00.000-05:00See, Niobe, for me it's not about what he thinks. ...See, Niobe, for me it's not about what he thinks. It's about not having empathy to let Monkey be "right" on this thing that is both subjective and clearly so important to her. So the break he is getting is on the grounds of the general cluelessness about empathy I assume many six year old boys exhibit. Yet, I have also seen counterexamples galore, and combined with what I remember of the parents from way back when, I am guessing this particular trait is not strongly cultivated in that household.Juliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09745262857388007041noreply@blogger.com