Friday, March 28, 2008

An eventful day

Did anybody else's blogger go AWOL for a while? Together with gmail? How bloody inconsiderate of them! They really should know better than to cut off a woman's blog oxygen AND her email access. Anyway...

The ultrasound
Size. We caught up. In fact we are a few days ahead of the due date estimate now. So maybe it isn't my cells going all the very hungry caterpillar on my blood glucose. Apparently the little bugger has been getting in on the act a lot more than I thought. So new plan is to worry a little more about the content of my meals. I was rather lax on the carbs before thinking that I needed to make it easy for the occupant to get some. Now we have to worry about too big, so it's back to careful meal planning. The big scan is in three weeks, so we will get a good idea of the rate of growth by then.

Sex. Male. My reaction was to tell Dr. Best "Neurotic patient, round two." But really, I am not freaking out. I didn't get the terrible sinking feeling I got with A, so that's a good thing. The last little bit I have started to prepare myself to assume the fuck the universe posture if the news was thus. It seems to have helped. As, I think, did the starting to let myself love this baby part. See? I just called him "baby." I was all euphemisms and "fetus" before.

We are buckling in for what we expect will be a very bumpy ride. JD seems to be more freaked out than I am, actually. But we talked about one day at a time, and he observed that we are in for a lot of days. Hopefully we are. We are also in for Name That Baby, round three. Wish us luck.


News of the heartbreakingly beautiful
Monkey was having an acute grief reaction tonight. She asked to light a candle. She wanted to touch me to touch A. Then she sat on the floor directing herself downward, underground. She finally said that she will never get to see him alive. I think what she actually meant was she never got to see him in her real life, but also the whole certainty of never getting it in the future either.

She brought her fancy birthday candles to put on the table next to the candle we were lighting. She rummaged for the booklet containing the mourner's kaddish. After we lit the candle, she did more sitting, laying on the floor, more of this honest deep grief. JD came over and pulled her into his lap. She wanted me. So I moved close to them too. We sat that way for a while, and then Monkey touched my belly in a deliberately different way and said "No, nobody living there yet." I asked her what and how was she trying to ascertain, and upon receiving the expected answer explained that babies don't kick in a way that can be felt from the outside for a while. That made her sad, because clearly, she has thought about figuring things out this way, possibly for a little while.

We encouraged her to ask what she actually wanted to ask, and we answered that question. The first thing she says? The very first thing, before asking us about the sex, the first thing was "I hope this one doesn't die." Yes, we all very much do. So we talked about the sex ("Again?"-- amused and clearly somewhat surprised. She had been drawing our next baby as a girl for a while. Ahem...), about the time frame (she is no fool, and wanted the live baby ASAP. April sounded good to her. Luckily she is not yet aware of all the ways this goes to shit and prematurity isn't something she knows to fear), and about names (unsurprisingly, some silliness ensued, listing Boots of the Dora fame and a number of inanimate objects, followed by pretty much every boy name in her class. She finally singled out one name that actually isn't out of the realm of possibilities. Go figure).

I am, however, blown away by the emotional maturity on this kid. She never for a second considered conflating this baby with A, and it wasn't too long until she was talking about the two different brothers. She is trying to figure out how to relate to them. For tonight, she settled on saying goodnight to everyone-- papa, mama, A, and the new little brother.

31 comments:

k@lakly said...

Oh I am so, so glad that everything seems ok and that your Doc is so on top of everything. I read your post last night and thought about how many of us have talked about "knowing" we were headed for a bad ending despite constant assurances form the medical community and family. Sometimes I do think we just know. The fact that you didn't get the 'feeling' today when you found out it was a boy, I think is a great thing. You know you better than anyone, so the fact that the love is there, the baby is there and you are good with all of that, maybe this all leads to the good ending. The one you deserve.
I agree with the one day at a time thinking. So for today, YAY YOU! YAY BABY! And Monkey, hang in there, we all want him here cuz we know what a fantastic big sister you already are:)
xxx

niobe said...

Heartbreakingly beautiful is absolutely right.

kate said...

I am very happy to see a good update.

Yes, Alexander said the same thing when we told him i was pg again. I think it is beautiful, and so sad, the way your daughter grieves for her brother. I am sorry.

Beruriah said...

Tell me about it. My google everything went out while I was chatting yesterday and didn't come back until this morning! I couldn't even apologize for rudely vanishing in the middle of things....But this is all such good news that has set my mind at ease for now.

Tash said...

(Everything seems fine here, except now I can't get into a few wordpress blogs? Huh? Maybe it's making the rounds?)

Yay. Phew. Boy. Well. Up yours universe, you're going to have to try harder than that.

And Monkey just breaks my heart. Breaks it. You know Julia, not only does she have an emotional maturity that often beats my own, but it shows her mother is doing a stellar job of just that: not conflating her children. Which you shouldn't do if they're alive either, and some people never get around to that lesson. You're just marvelous. Now keep that baby, er, boy, growing.

Beth said...

Oh, wow. Just wow. That's all I have, because I am in tears. So have one of those weird internet {{hugs}} and I hope a restful weekend.

Cindy said...

My daughter also blurted out the same thing when I got pregnant again after losing her first brother. And what else can you say but, "Me too, honey, me too"? Hooray for the scan!!

Cat, Galloping said...

Monkey sounds like a very special little girl. I'm sorry you didn't get the news you were hoping for, but so happy everything looks good in there.

I'm very late to your blog... you've been commenting on mine for ages and I didn't realize you had started one of your own. I'm sorry about the event that precipitated it. And I'll be here for the duration.

Karen said...

hey, you actually said little bugger before baby, which I gaped at happily & baby is even better (from the promise of your blog title, that is) and yes, sometimes it is great to be wrong & I hope Monkey has a new little brother soon, by which I seeming soon, but not too early.

Magpie said...

I'm happy for the good scan, and holding onto hope and goodness for the remainder of the pregnancy. All best to all of you.

LAS said...

I am so glad that everything is looking good. I will keep sending good thoughts your way...it is defnitely one day at a time. I also love that slogan - it's another recovery slogan - that's how to get through everything. One day at a time. I always ask myself when I am in the middle of something - can I do this, for the next five minutes, yes, the next hour, yes - the minutes and hours turn into days. I'll be thinking about you.

Lynnette said...

Wow. What a sweet, wise, big sister. I'm always amazed at her depth. Also, it sounds a little like you're not fearing love. I'm so happy for you. Sending you happy, healthy thoughts.

delphi said...

You have an amazing daughter - I am all in shivers.

meg said...

I'm so, so glad that the scan went well. Monkey is an amazing kid. She constantly amazes me. And I'm with Tash, she often seems more emotionally mature than I am!

janis said...

Oh, the things this post does to my heart! Leaping in joy and squeezing in pain for your little Monkey, and your family. SO GLAD that the u/s was good. So beautiful how Monkey expressed her grief and how your family held together in that grief. Hugs and many good wishes.

Aurelia said...

Mac had said the same thing, "I hope this baby doesn't die." and of course, we just keep telling him that we hope so too and we think things will go well.

The name thing is amusing. Dora-LOL! Mac wants to call our baby Captain Underpants.

We said no!

tobacco brunette said...

I'm just recently discovering your blog and reading some of your archives. Monkey really amazes me and I'm in awe of your and JD's parenting style. Reading about how you've dealt with such a difficult issue for a child of any age has been impressive. I feel like your blog gives me a sense of the sort of parent I hope to be.

I know hearing "girl" at the scan would have been more of a relief for you, but I'm glad you didn't have the sinking feeling.

I'm hoping for only the best for you and your family.

Bon said...

heartbreakingly beautiful, the news, and Monkey's grace and honesty with her grief and her hope.

i am glad you didn't get that sinking feeling. and i empathize on the name that baby front, and so many others.

The Town Criers said...

Aaah, sweet Monkey.

You sound like you're in a very peaceful space right now. Maybe it looks scary outside and maybe your eyes are trained towards the window, but you are currently inside the calm?

CLC said...

Monkey sounds like the most amzing girl ever. I am blown away by her maturity.
I am glad everything looks good thus far. I have to agree with k@lakly and think the fact that you didn't get a bad feeling is a good sign. I am thinking nothing but positive thoughts for you.

christyna said...

baby boy. wow. I'm glad that things are progressing well. and Monkey just makes my heart flutter. She is so wonderful and so rare.

Ahuva Batya said...

Monkey is truly a special child. I'm so glad that your appointment went well, and that your little boy did not give you any bad sinking feelings.

My Reality said...

Wow. I am amazed by Monkey. She clearly gets her instincts from her mother. You are both incredicly intuitive.

I am glad to hear you didn't have a sinking feeling when you found out this was another boy.

c. said...

Wow, Julia. I'm relieved things went well with the scan. My heart smiles knowing it is a boy. I don't know why.

And Monkey? What a wonderful little girl. She is going to be such a thoughtful, sweet big sister. I hope as she hopes.

My MIL suggested I take the whole deadbaby thing inch by inch. I think that lends itself well to the whoe pregnancy thing, too. Inch by inch. Day by day. You'll get there. XO.

Amelie said...

Monkey is amazing, as always. We all hope with her, with you.
Glad the scan went well.

christina(apronstrings) said...

a healthy baby. what a beautiful sight that must have been.

wannabe mom said...

such wonderful news. i am thinking good thoughts for you all.

monkey is an amazing little girl.

Tricia said...

I know every aspect of this is a double edge sword...hang in there

Farrah said...

Wow.. I don't know what to say. I was referred to you by a friend and now feel numb having read your last few posts. I am not Jewish but I did lose my first son when he was three days old and I am pregnant now and freaking out. I have one healthy two year old, my second child, but there are questions about this current baby, questions that may or may not be answered in a few days.
I feel your words about not being ready to move on with the greiving. Thank you for sharing your whole story and so deeply that I can feel what you feel and feel again what I feel. That sounds silly to say but I needed something to help me label my current fear and tie it to my past and reading your blog today has started that journey, I think.
The fear can be palpable and it sounds like even more so for you. I wish I could hear my son or know what he would say to me. I wish I could know something from this baby... if he/she is going to stay with me or join his/her brother in heaven. I want this baby to be a girl but am afraid either way.
I am rambling now..
Thank you for your honest words. I will be praying for you and baby #3 and would appreciate your prayers for me and my baby #3 too.
I will be checking back to "check" on you. Many blessings.
Farrah
babyloveslings.blogspot.com

Antigone said...

I'll take too big over too small any day.

Brooke said...

this really touched my heart, your monkey expressing herself in such a beautiful way.
My son doesnt really talk about his brother. he loves to look at the photo album of Cadens photos, but hasnt expressed any real grief. I worry about him a little.

Monkey sounds like an amazing child :)