Modified

My uterus has been acting cranky. It started last month with these long Braxton-Hicks type dealies that would come on and stick around until I found a way to recline. But they didn't seem to be doing anything, and so I was reminded to rest, hydrate, and call if I got more than four or five real ones in an hour. Will do, no problem, see ya later.

Then, Tuesday last, just that happened, and off we went, my uterus, its occupant, and I, to the triage floor. Contractions, why yes-- here they are on the monitor. But my cervix was heavy into mixing its metaphors, all of them helpful-- it was, it seems, auditioning for the role of a tight-lipped secret service agent guarding Fort Knox. (Bon, my friend, I want you to know that I would never covet the title that is rightfully yours, and so we, my cervix and I, are staying the hell out of the Miss Cervix Universe '08 pagent.) And so with negative fibronectin test to boot, we all headed home to vigilantly keep watch from lazy about my couch.

Over the next several days only sporadic contractions here and there interrupted my regularly scheduled freakouts. Then on Sunday, seemingly simultaneously with the final whistle that brought the European Cup finals to its just end and ensured a substantial boost to the entire liquor-related sector of the Spanish economy, there came one of them annoying contractions. Not five minutes later our local station cut into the broadcast for some minor announcement like a severe thunderstorm watch for large chunks of the state, and I started to laugh at JD's righteous indignation at having his broadcast interrupted. Only it hurt. To laugh. On account of another damned contraction.

A few more and a phone call later we were on our way to the hospital. Where it turned out that both Dr.Best and my friend the OB (hm, he needs a name, it seems... ok, then, Dr.Friend) were on the floor that day. Reassuring, yes. Cervix doing ok, fibronectin negative, lather, rinse, repeat, go home. Have a number of contractions on Monday. See Dr.Best for the regular office visit Tuesday morning. Find out that the nurse on the floor Sunday forgot to send my urine for culture. Do that Tuesday. Schedule this week's BPP for Wednesday, and then for Fridays from then on. Get reminded to call anytime, if anything at all is funky. Have a great BPP on Wednesday morning, prominently featuring a long-looking cervix and a very active baby.

Leave work Wednesday afternoon because damn, those contractions seem annoying, and where is my couch? Thursday stay at work sort of late, periodically noticing somewhat stronger contractions. Have a nice rest on the couch in the evening. Start noticing new batch of contractions late in the evening. Fall asleep on the couch considering whether or not to call. Wake up and realize that since you were able to sleep, they must have gone away. Crawl upstairs, change into pajamas, get into bed, and realize that you can't sleep because of somewhat frequent and fairly annoying contractions.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
We've got contractions
And how about you?

Call, go in. Arrive around 3 in the morning. Get to learn first hand why residents are not attendings.

The resident I got was very nice. Did all the same things-- fibronectin test, manual check, monitoring, manual check again after the results come back. Only, wow, did it hurt. Wow, wow, wow. Let me just say that I sincerely hope the man gets some more training before he is somebody's doctor for real. Just saying.

But also? I could definitely feel the blasted contractions. And they came every 3-4 minutes. And I asked him, when he told me that once again I could go home and call if things didn't improve by, say Sunday or Monday, I asked him what happens if they don't slow down and I can't get any sleep. Ummm... you can take some things, like Benadril, but you should call first to make sure they are ok with Dr.Best.

So I change back into my own clothes, and am sitting there waiting to be discharged, when the nurse comes to tell me that the attending decided that he doesn't like the look of the contractions on the strip, and they want to keep me another two hours and check again. Ok-dokey. Change back, get the monitors back on, and somehow fall asleep. For almost two hours. Heaven.

I woke up to realize that the contractions were still going at about the same clip, only less strongly, which is probably why I got to sleep. Round 3 of Resident IronGrip all up in my business declared my cervix holding steady, and I was expecting to be sent home any minute with the same nebulous-sounding instructions. Only the intensity on the mo-fos picked right up after the exam, and I was starting to wonder whether I could get away with convincing myself that sleep is not really a necessity.

And then the nurse came and took the strip to show the new attending, fresh at the start of her shift. And then the attending herself came to talk to me, and lo, I was in love for she had non-nebulous things to say. Your cervix seems to be doing fine, she said. But you are contracting every couple of minutes, and we think that's at least uncomfortable. So we want to give you trebutaline (hallelujah!), and what do you do at work? I think you should work from home all next week. Not a strict bedrest, but more like a modified house arrest. Relax as much as possible.

So that is where I am now. Three doses of trebutaline later, I get only an occasional contraction. I do get the promised slight jittering soon after taking a dose. But I took an almost three hour nap this afternoon, and am heading up to bed for the night right soon. And during the day, my couch and I are going to become even closer. Which is kind of frightening given how much time I have been spending with it already.

Before I left the hospital I asked about those manual exams, and bacteria, as in possibility of introduction of the same where it shouldn't go, and antibiotics just in case. I heard back from the office on Thursday that the culture from Tuesday was negative, and given that, they didn't think I needed antibiotics. But it seems after I left, Dr.Attending looked up those urine culture results in detail, and decided that given my history and the ongoing contractions, and the small number of bacteria that did show up on that test, it was best for me to take an antibiotic. So I am.

Damn, this is long. I should've stuck with the short version, I think: Contractions, frequent, not productive, trebutaline to go, antibiotics too, couch comfy, still need sleep.

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend.