Saturday, January 30, 2010

Here

It's here. Three years. Death today, birth tomorrow. This order of things is the reality of our everyday life, something that just is. But on the page like this, in one sentence, it seems kinda crazy, doesn't it?

I am here too. I expected, when I wrote that last post, that between then and now I would have a lot to say. And I did. I just didn't get to say much of it. Some of what it was I might try to say still. Most is gone, struggled through and dealt with, probably messier than if I'd had that chance to write at the time, but gone nonetheless.


We've been walking through significant dates here for a bit. Hebrew calendar moves around from year to year with respect to Gregorian, and this year, yahrtzeit, the Jewish anniversary, fell on this week. My sister and brother in law came over. We lit a yahrtzeit candle, had good food, and raised our glasses a couple of times. Monkey, reasoning that this is A's Jewish birthday, wanted to blow up some balloons. Surprisingly, there was enough air in an old (as in from her birthday last spring) helium tank to fill three and a half. She drew on them, writing his name in three languages, and drawing faces. She only popped one. After they are completely deflated, she wants me to put the smallest one, the one with just the face drawn on it, into the drawer whereI keep her A artwork.

We didn't go to the synagogue to say kaddish that evening, leaving that part for Friday night. So we did that yesterday.

We didn't really have much of a plan for the weekend. Making brownies, again, as per Monkey's request. That's tonight, soon. Going to the cemetery, that's tomorrow. I've had this vague idea that there should be good homemade food this weekend, and so I've made some. Unlike last year, our friends have been calling and emailing. One family asked to stop by today. We will see another tomorrow.

Like most of the week before, it's been a close to usual Saturday here, and, unlike last year, when the ordinariness was unbearable, I am ok with it. I miss him every day, every ordinary day. I miss him today too, and in this way, today is just another day.

I haven't cried yet today. But as the clock ticks towards the hour that is listed in my chart as the official time "it was confirmed," I feel the tears. They are starting to build. Not yet, but later. After the brownies are baked, and the candle is lit, and Monkey and the Cub are asleep. Unless, you know, they come before then, which, I am suddenly feeling like they might. I guess it's not all that ordinary after all.

25 comments:

My Reality said...

Thinking of you and your family as your remember and honour A.

Julie said...

Holding your hand from afar.

Mrs. Spit said...

I'm here too.

Sue said...

I've been thinking of you all week. So odd to feel tears in the offing, and yet, not.

Here with you.

luna said...

thinking of you all and remembering little A with you.

Hope's Mama said...

Remebering with you. With much love.

xoxo

Caro said...

Thinking of you

angie said...

XO. Thinking of all of you today. Remembering A. Wishing I could bake something to bring you, so we could cry together, just a little.

Tash said...

I find myself already bursting into tears for seconds at a time at just the oddest moments. Just wee little flashbacks and griefbursts and they catch me wholly by surprise because isn't this supposed to be old hat and ordinary by now?

Raise a brownie for A from me too, please, and I'll find a way here to remember him and think of you all. Holding you all close, as always.

Beruriah said...

Much love to you, Julia.

Ashleigh said...

Thinking of you and remembering.

CLC said...

Thinking of you and A and the rest of your family. I wish he were here.

tree town gal said...

with you as well...

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and your family this weekend.
sarah

Karen said...

I am glad you did write this bit - even if other words are left unwritten. My thoughts of love and support to you this week. I want to add how beautifully you express what happens (to me anyway) with loss overtime, it starts to blend into the rhythm of the year and of my life - parts of which are easier than the first throes of grief and parts of which seem just as sad, but better, overall for having the ends woven in a bit.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Abiding with you this weekend--your whole family is in my heart.

k@lakly said...

Thinking of you Julia, remembering A., and holding all of you close as you mark these moments.
xxoo

Miryam (mama o' the matrices) said...

We're here, too. Hug Monkey for us - and tell her to hug you back for us, okay?

niobe said...

You know, though I never cry for myself, can sometimes almost cry for other people -- for you and A for example.

Ya Chun said...

three years... and the clock keeps on ticking.

Gotta love that monkey - she is so sweet.

(((((hugs)))))

loribeth said...

I'm here too. Can I say that I'm glad to see you posting, even about something so sad? (((hugs)))

Amelie said...

Thinking of you, of A, of all your family.

Betty M said...

Another one thinking of you all.

c. said...

Thinking of you, Julia, and remembering A. Three years. I can hardly believe it. X.

wannabe mom said...

I've been away from blogland, but remembered to check in although belatedly. Thinking of you, how strange that it's been three years and so much has happened, and much has stayed the same.