Saturday, January 29, 2011

Almost here

Almost here. That's both it, another anniversary, and me. For me, that's about this place. The place I miss and want to inhabit again. The intensity varies through time, from burning to simmering, but it's always there. Always, despite the months and months of terrible neglect. I see the weeds all around, and I don't expect anyone to still be wondering by, looking for me. So I know it's not about the audience. It's about me. I still want to be here, still need to be here.

A few months ago now (ouch, already?), I told a couple of bloggers I met for the first time that night (hi, gals, if any of you still have this place in the reader) that my first post back would be a "how do you know you are still a blogger?" and would essentially boil down to "if you are constantly composing posts in your head, you're it." And I am. So I guess I am.

Last calendar year deserves a post all its own, and it will probably get one, sometime next week. This past month, January. Well, it should've gotten a small stable of posts, but except for the one I had on Glow earlier, this is it so far.

But what's there to say, this fourth time around? I miss him. Still, always. In some ways that are now familiar, and in some ways that are new and sharper for it. Thoughtless things people say can still get me. Sometimes in a new way. The one that happened earlier in the fall, but then crept back into my head and heart to mess with both earlier this month, was about how insignificant A is to others. It hurts, and it hurts worse for the casual manner in which she did it. And yet, as with other things, once I dissected that enough to understand what in it was so hurtful, it receded. These things always do. The one that doesn't is the simplest and the most basic of them all-- he is not here. He will never be here.


Four years ago I was still just a pregnant woman.

19 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

Yep, same for me three years ago.
Always lovely to see you pop up in my reader and of course at this time of year, you and A are on my mind.
This has almost inspired me to blow the cobwebs off my own blog! I must still be a blogger a well as I write about eight posts a day in my head. If only I could be that prolific at actually writing them on the screen.
xo

Julie said...

I have missed you.

Tash said...

Yup. Me too.

I go through events and think, "I should blog this!" And never have the time. Which is probably good, because if I've forgotten it a few days later, how cool could it have been really? For this reason Twitter scares me.

Hoping this week treats you well.

New Year Mum said...

Sharing your pain as I head towards the first anniversary of losing my little one... thinking of you :)
I've only been blogging a week now and it's funny how blog ideas already seem to pop up.
Looking forward to sharing the journey with you :))
xoxo

Mrs.Spit said...

Thinking of you. Holding you in my heart. Yes, still. Yes, always.

Mel said...

I'm still here (and yes, that is the beauty of the Google Reader that lets me know when you are here too). I think about you a lot. It doesn't matter if you have said something before; if you need to say it again, it is new because you are a different person. Even if the same feelings are there, you continuously change, and those feelings need to be let out again and again.

Brandy said...

I'm still out here and still ready to read anything you have to write. Thinking about you...

Sue said...

I've been thinking about you, too. Especially this time of year.

And yes, thank goodness for the Google reader. I was just catching up myself.

I'm looking forward to reading your words again, Julia. I've missed you.

Ya Chun said...

yep, still missing our babes. that doesn't change. Whether we blog it or not.

Yep, people still say dumb stuff.

thinking of you - glad you popped up in google reader

loribeth said...

Always good to see a new post from you, Julia. : ) Our babies will always be missed, by us, if not the rest of the world. :( xoxo

Amelie said...

I've been wondering how you are.
Thinking of you.

erica said...

I'm always glad to see your posts pop up in the reader.

Every once in a while I'm reminded of how much "I miss him and want him back" never changes even though so many other things do.

Hoping the year is kind to you.

tree town gal said...

me too. glad you are back... thinking of you...

Magpie said...

Miss you. Hope to see you sooner than a year from now.

Betty M said...

Still here too. Thinking of you this week.

Miryam (mama o' the matrices) said...

I'm sorry. He shouldn't have been - or be - insignificant.

Lavender Luz said...

On this bittersweet anniversary time, I celebrate the sweetness of your blogginess, and I abide with you during the rememberance of the loss of Lily.

Hugs.

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This could be an inspiration for the women who are going to be pregnant.

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Hoping this week treats you well.