Friday, April 18, 2008

All clear, for now

The scan went well. Everything is where it should be, in appropriate numbers and sizes. Blood flow is good, the cord is good. Can't get the size on that thing, but it didn't seem like there were any knots on it for now. Placenta is on the front but "far enough" away from the cervix. The cervix is 3.2-3.5. We get to look again at everything in about a month.

We got a glance of the nose and the mouth at one point, as in the flesh rather than the bones. He has his brother's nose, I am pretty sure. JD says he didn't catch it, but he was also busy explaining to Monkey what was where. The tech didn't print that one, so I don't have proof. But I guess this is just one more mindfuck to steel myself for. He was also not a big fan of that probe. The tech couldn't feel it, but I sure could. Too bad, kid. The mean parents and doctors have plans to subject you to that particular indignity many more times.

Apparently, while I was in the bathroom, Monkey informed the tech that she had a brother before, but he died, and she hopes this one doesn't die. Some of the shots, like the butt up, knees bent shot we did get a print of amused her to no end. Little feet and little fingers made her happy. The skeletor face shot was a little scary, she said. She kept leaning in and touching my face, ever so gently. We came separately-- logistics and all-- and when she walked in with JD, I could tell she was a little scared and nervous. She recognized the place after they got off the elevators (from the one time she had been there before, for A's anatomical scan), and from then on, though she had moments of giggling, it was pretty clear she was bracing. Damn, a six year old, bracing. This shit sucks, can I tell you? She even asked the tech whether "he is ok," and JD told her the lady can't tell us, it's the doctor's job.

We all seemed to hold our breaths through the scans. Dr. Best was running the ultrasound show today, so he came in and did some looking himself, after the tech. He introduced himself to Monkey, who hasn't met him before, but once he got the probe, he was concentrating so hard I was getting worried something was wrong. There was no customary banter. I like my banter, it reassures me. In its absence I was running through all the bad things one can see on the ultrasound in my head, trying to decide whether what I was seeing was normal. Heart-- pretty sure there are four chambers, and it doesn't look lopsided. Brain-- looks pretty even, no holes, spine-- seems closed at the bottom. What else, what else?

And then he spoke, and said "looks great." Monkey apparently didn't think that was specific enough, because she decided to ask her own question: "Is he ok?" Only she asked so softly, Dr. Best couldn't hear. JD asked for his attention, though, and when the answer was "Yes, he is ok," you could see Monkey transform. You could see her transform into a kid again.

The transformation was quick, immediate even. And that is what I am choosing to concentrate on tonight. Yes, she is aware of things six year olds should not know. Yes, she is deeply affected. But, if things are ok, she can still exhale it all in one breath. She is still a kid. It helps to remember that.

34 comments:

yummysushipajamas said...

This is beautiful, and I am so pleased that everything is going well with you and your beautiful family. Of course, you will all always be changed by your loss, but you seem to be coming through beautifully.

Phantom Scribbler said...

Thinking of you all, and very glad that the scan went well.

sweetsalty kate said...

I'm so, so glad to hear that. xo

My Reality said...

I am so happy that all is clear.

I heart Monkey. I really do. She is such a precious little girl and so wise beyond her years.

k@lakly said...

Oh...my heart. I can see her face as she asked the queston, I really can, I have seen it in my kid's eyes. "Is he ok?" three tiny little words that representspeak of her biggest fears, everyones really. I am so, so, so, happy and relieved she got to hear the right answer. I hope you all sleep well tonight and maybe even tomorrow too, knowing he is in fact, ok.
Yay baby!!!
P.S. Thanks for posting this tonight, I would have been crazy checking all night...maybe I'll sleep now too:)

Beth said...

Okay. Okay. Big exhale here.

So glad for you all.

(My word verification in *blyynk* -- for some reason this strikes me as being profoundly meaningful).

LAS said...

I am so glad the scan went well!

niobe said...

Monkey is awfully brave, though, of course, it this were a better world, she wouldn't have to be.

Just reading this (even with the reassuring title), terrified me. If it ever got to that point, I don't think I could ever bear going to an ultrasound again.

Beruriah said...

Thank goodness for all of this.

Have a wonderful Pesach.

janis said...

funny how one collapses with relief when it is not one's own scan?! I am so glad to hear that, though I cld not help noticing your qualifier, "for now". it makes it poignant the different world I am in now, we are in now. Continuing to hold good good thoughts (with sometimes a threat to the universe)

k@lakly said...

P.S. I tried to send you an email, did it make it to you???

CLC said...

That's great news. Your Monkey never ceases to amaze me. What a sweet child she sounds like.

Magpie said...

Your child is remarkable. And I'm happy that the scan was good.

Dara said...

Oh, I am so glad he's ok....

Karen said...

this is good news, all around, very good news.

serenity said...

What a sweet girl Monkey is.

I am so happy to hear that all is ok.

Snickollet said...

So glad for all of you that things went well.

Ahuva Batya said...

Monkey makes me cry, with her caring wisdom. I'm so very glad it all went well.

Tash said...

Bella never went to a scan with me -- too young. And I think I'd be too scared shitless to do it in the future. In fact, if I become pregnant again (stop laughing), I will probably couch everything that comes out of my mouth with a "maybe" or "I hope so." To protect both of us. I simply can't imagine it.

Phew. And I'm glad you and Monkey have each other.

c. said...

I am so relieved the scan went well. Monkey must have entered that room with such anxiety. What a sweet, sweet girl, Julia.

christina(apronstrings) said...

i bet you were scared. scans are very scary at first...for me. so...
i am glad that monkey went with and ask questions.
i bet the site-of the three of you-basking in the afterglow of 'baby is ok' was a beautiful site.

Amelie said...

Monkey is amazing, as always. Is it unusual for her to ask so quietly she's overheard, only under those pressing circumstances?
Thinking of you, all of you.

wannabe mom said...

i am glad the scan went well, another milestone to check off the list. i'm sorry that Monkey knows what she knows, yet she is so graceful in its handling. sending warm thoughts to you all.

Missing said...

glad everything went well.
crossing my fingers for you all

Aurelia said...

I'm so happy the scan went well! Weeeeeee. One more hurdle jumped.

Lisa b said...

Julia I am so glad the scan went well. Your stories of monkey always have my heart in my throat.

Coggy said...

So glad all went well. The more I read about Monkey the more of an amazing little girl I think she is and the more amazing parents I find you and JD to be.

Katya said...

Glad to hear all is well. Take care of yourself. Your daughter's emotional make-up is beautiful.

m said...

I am so happy to hear that all is well - and Monkey just breaks my heart....

x

Tricia said...

I'm glad the scan went well

Natalie said...

I am SO glad that everything looks good. Your descriptions of Monkey during it all are so sad and wonderful at the same time.

Antigone said...

Yay!

thrice said...

I'm smiling. Thanks!

mama o' the matrices said...

They *do* brace, don't they? I've watched the Eldest do it, and it astonishes me. And reminds me that kids do get more reality that I really quite want them to.