I was whining to the shrink today that when I went to see my GP for a thyroid test (seeing as a patient with thyroditis should do that once in a while), she decided that she was so unimpressed with my heart rate that I should (1) get a mild heart medication, and (2) see a cardiologist. I am way too young for either of these things, but yes, I filled the prescription and made the appointment.
The shrink wanted to know what about that bothered me the most. There are a few things, starting with the obvious (FREAKING HEART MEDICATION!!!), but it wasn't the obvious that got to me.
And here's where that question comes in: can one be pre-tired? Tired ahead of time? Because I think that is how I feel. The thing about this new development is not so much that it is here right now, but the knowledge, the surety, that it will be here again. And again. See, I want to raise three children. I want to have two more living children. Kinda soon. Which means at least two more rounds of this. And I haven't even gotten to the hypo part yet.
I feel like I am standing in front of a very tall mountain, with a very heavy backpack. I am waiting to start climbing this mountain, the mountain the top of which is obscured by clouds, with the terrain I can't see beyond the first little bit. And my backpack just got heavier.
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9 comments:
Julia,
I'm sure the heart medication is only temporary, and maybe it is time to get some more extensive thyroid testing too? Just to reassure yourself that you will be hypo soon and life will get easier. Hyper I find is such a pain in the rear. Anxious and racing heart, but tired at the same time. Your cardiologist will know how to help.
And you WILL make it through three kids. :)
Certainly anticipation can make us tired. It really sucks that your heart rate was poor, but I so hope the cardiologist can help, and that it's only temporary.
Are you seeing the new doctor after you get back?
i'm sorry about the weight of the backpack, and the extra bit that just got added.
as for pre-tired, i think i've spent my life there. it's how some of us are wired, i think, in part...we're organizers and we know what we want, and what it will take, but it costs a lot just trying to keep it all together, in advance, in our heads.
and then when life throws us something really really bitter, like A's death...just getting up the courage to keep going takes all we have on a day to day basis, and even thinking about the future - which we can't help - is exhausting.
at least for me. :)
take good care.
Aurelia, yes-- the medication should be temporary. I am just not enamored of the whole idea. And I have firmly decided that I'd rather be just a slug than a slug with racing heart. Blah. Hope it turns the corner soon-- the Dr. called with thyroid results, and it just doesn't look like that T3 number can go much higher.
Sara, I am seeing the cardiologist tomorrow. Hope he doesn't give me too much grief.
Bon, I like the part about being wired that way. I think I pretty much am. So now I am trying to plan less and try to go with the flow. I can do it on the day-to day basis pretty well. But the big things? Not so much.
I think you only get pre-tired if you decide to climb the mountain. If you decide to stay at home metaphorically eating chocolates and reading escapist fiction, there's not a tired problem but a lethargic problem.
Bravo for tired.
Well, you can only climb the mountain one step at a time. And maybe it won't turn out to be a mountain at all, just a gently-sloping hill. And maybe, along the way, you'll discover you don't really need all the things you've put in your backpack. And maybe ...
Okay, I'll stop. But (though I'm not good at this myself) just because you can't see the future doesn't mean that it's going to be as bad as you expect or fear.
So we're partners in heart problems, huh? I can't take the heart meds as they don't work with either getting pregnant or taking mood regulating meds. Ugh. So I am removing all dairy and sugar. Good times.
By the way, you may be wearing a heavy backpack, but we're walking with you, OK?
Yes, I think you can absolutely be pre-tired. Or at the very least overwhelmed and exhausted by even just the idea of what lies ahead.
That is how I felt after losing Molly and Joseph and knowing we would soon be going through fertility therapy yet again. The thought of all those appointments, the injections, the uncertainty etc... it made me very, very pre-tired.
I am sorry you have had yet another stone tossed into your already heavy backpack. But I am praying that something comes along to lighten it very soon.
Grief just makes everything all the harder. It just cranks all our problems up to 10. I wish it didn't have that power! Here's to hoping that the backpack will feel lighter on your journey ahead.
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