My sister, without whom I wouldn't be writing this because I would still be looking for the title for the damned blog--thanks!, anyway, my sister told me today that my life isn't about dealing. I am not a "dealer" she said, I am a fixer. To quote her: "it's not your way to go about life thinking that there's nothing you can do."
Normally she would be right.
But. But I think that this time she is wrong. The parameters of the possible, of what I can do, have changed. There is no way to fix this. For anyone. All I can do is try to deal. If I am lucky, in a productive way.
To be fair, having been one of my rocks in the hours, days, and weeks after A died, she doesn't actually think this can be fixed, or that I think I can fix it. And we agreed that we are talking about the same thing. So what this means, apparently, is that semantics have suddenly become important to me. On this point I want to be precise. About this I want no confusion. This can't be fixed.
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About Me
- Julia
- Dealing with life after the death and stillbirth of my son. The title of this blog comes from a song by Sarah McLachlan.
glow in the woods
Things that maybe possibly could turn out to be useful
Because Mel said so
Places to go
- A charmed life?
- A Little Pregnant
- A Mending Heart
- A natural scientist
- After All That
- Amelie's Welt
- Apron Strings
- Awful but Functioning
- Birdie's mama (protected)*
- Broken Heart Diaries
- Certainly Not Cool Enough to Blog
- Crib Chronicles
- Dorcasina
- Eight Million Pieces
- Everything is Under Control
- Expectant Waiting
- Further records
- Here Be Hippogriffs
- It's a strange world...
- Just crazy enough to try
- Losses and Gains
- Magpie Musings
- Moksha*
- My Reality
- Nicolas' Garden*
- Niobe
- No matter how small
- One Big Maybe
- Phantom Scribbler
- Quiet sanctuary
- Rhymes with Javelin
- Slouching Towards 40
- Snickollet
- So Close
- Still I Rise (protected)
- Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters
- Sweet/salty
- The Littlelest Bean
- The Mind of Olivia Drab
- The Para Graph
- Third time lucky
- This is not what I ordered
- Three Minute Palaver
- Uncommon Misconception
- Uppercase Woman
7 comments:
Great title. Though it does bring home to me that not only do I fear love, I'm terrified by it.
Love is terrifying. How could it not be? It's the thing that makes us most vulnerable in all the world.
Your sister is correct about you, but no one can go though life by dealing alone or by fixing alone. Everyone has to do some of each, and only in part by choice. It's about what comes more naturally...
That's better than I tried to put it.
And you're welcome.
and if I have a fear, I won't deny it....
That is what I hate... people who try to "fix" me. I'm glad to recognize that it is a situation too impossible to fix.
Glad to have you blogging.
P.S. I've always loved this song...
I realize I am commenting on an old post, but I wanted to say that I recently found your blog and am so moved by your work to deal after such a loss. I have not lost a child (though I am infertile, so I have lost the dream of one), but my husband and I lost our home and all our possessions to a fire several years ago and coming to terms with that loss, miniscule compared to yours, and the reality that it could not really be fixed was extremely difficult. I wish you the very best as you continue to grow stronger and deal.
Annonymous, I am so sorry for your losses. Loosing the idea of what your family will look like and loosing your home must both be very hard. They seem to strike at the very core of self, for both our past and our idea of our future seem integral parts of our understanding of self.
Thank you for your very kind comment. I hope your future is a happy one, whatever it might look like.
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