Monday, April 30, 2007

Three months

It has been three months since A died. Or 13 weeks less one day. Or 90 days. Or... and this is where is breaks down. I don't know what time it was or what I was doing when he died.

I had a doctor's appointment that morning, and we heard the heartbeat, strong and regular. I was a little pissed that it took so long, and, as a result, the rest of my day was bunched up. I had so many things to get done, I wasn't paying attention to his movements. I was usually much more attuned, but he was so active the night before, and I was just at the doctor's in the morning... So I didn't pay attention. I even noted to myself that I am not paying attention. And now I don't know.

The time is doing something funny since his death. It feels like it couldn't possibly be whole 90 days later. Where did all of these days go? But it also feels like it couldn't possibly be only 90 days later, like I have been living with this grief forever, like this is the way I am now. I suppose it is much like the experience I had after we brought Monkey home. A little more than a day after we got home, I looked around my house and saw all the baby stuff that wasn't there when we left for the hospital, and it felt like all that stuff belonged right where it was. So I asked JD how long she's been here. One day, he said. No, I said, how long has she been here? He looked around, and I knew he got what I was asking, and he said "Forever."

9 comments:

Lori said...

I love this. It reminds me of this quote:

"You were hidden in my heart as its desire, my darling. You were in the dolls of all my childhood games. In all my hopes and my loves, in my life, in the life of my mother, and in her mother before her, you have lived. In the lap of the Eternal Spirit you have been nursed and anticipated for ages."
-Rabindranath Tagore

I feel the same way about all of my kids, including Molly and Joseph. That somehow, they always were, and I have always known them.

Three months is no time at all... be gentle with yourself.

Aurelia said...

I noticed that you talk about not paying attention to his movements, like that would have made a difference.

But you know it wouldn't have, right? You had no way of anticipating anything.

Like Lori said, be gentle with yourself.

Nicole said...

That was such a lovely post, and so sad at the same time. Like the above said, be very very gentle with yourself. I wonder who in my future will come that I will say that they have been here forever. Right now, it feels like no one is here, even me.

wannabe mom said...

It's still so fresh, and will likely be so for a long, long time. I'm with the others -- be gentle with yourself. I'm thinking of you and A.

slouching mom said...

Oh. Oh. I am so sorry. And this post made me ache. 90 days is no time at all. It is also an eternity. It depends.

(hugs, from a stranger, if that's not unappealing. if so, ignore.)

Julia said...

Thank you, all. Kindness and hugs is how we get through life nowdays. Yesterday was a tough day. Today is a bit better.

Aurelia, I don't think anything I did could've made a difference. I am just sad that I don't know and wasn't listening.

Nicole, I am so sorry... This is a very sucky place you are in. I wish you get to meet your forever little person sooner rather than later-- the wait is a killer.

niobe said...

Time is a funny thing -- almost infinitely elastic. As someone else said: the hours are long, but the years are short.


Right now, it feels like no one is here, even me.

Nicole: I'm sure it doesn't help, but I feel the same way.

kate said...

Four years after my loss, time still has that same quality to me. When i try to imagine the years, that is.

Beautiful post.

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