Tuesday, October 30, 2007

A sunny day

Today was a little busy, a little too busy to really let the reality of where I am these nine months later sort itself out. But I did make it to the cemetery. This fall, when it hasn't been rainy, has been brilliant around here. You can still see a blindingly yellow tree here and there, or a fiery orange one.

The colors are much more sedate by the baby section, though. I don't know whether it is by design or accident, but most of the color you can see from there is the subtle mix of all those shades of brown and those very few shades of green and yellow that comprise the nondescript background of fall foliage, the stuff you normally don't photograph.

The section itself used to be surrounded by these bushes that looked spiky and naked, and prickly appropriate when we first saw them on a brilliant and windy day in early February, and then blosomed, not green but dark red, in the spring.

Some of these stoic guardians either dried or froze out, and so they have been removed, along with their close neighbors. In their place-- nothing so far, but the ground looks like it had been tended to. A's spot used to be right by where the bushes rounded a turn, so it looked very enclosed. And now you can see that the ground to the right slopes downwards. I am not used to it yet. I don't know whether I think it's airier or too exposed now. I wonder whether I will miss the enclosure when the grass reclaims the slope. How fucked up is it, by the way, that I noted as a plus of the new arrangement that now there seems to be room right next to A, should we ever need it?

Only about a third of the wall of bushes remains. The red bushes are my landmark-- they are how I know I found our section. I like this navigation technique much better than looking at the section names and numbers.

The bushes bear these funny red berries, but only in small clusters and only in a few select spots. Always on bare twigs. What do you think-- blood or tears?

As I was making my way out, I spotted this tree. I was going to say "spied" but really there was no missing it. It looked even brighter than the camera was able to capture, I think-- piercing brilliant wonder.

I don't know why I wanted to go by myself today when I knew that JD and I are going together tomorrow. I don't know why I wanted to bring the camera, or why I took all these pictures. They really are a very poor substitute for those first pictures of a baby playing in the autumn leaves, aren't they?


niobe said...

The pictures are striking, but, to my eyes anyway, they look almost too peaceful and hopeful.

meg said...

I love these photos--especially the ones with the berries. I guess they're blood and tears together, I don't know?

And yes, a poor substitute, for sure.

slouching mom said...

i'm without words.

beautiful photos.


The Oneliner (Christina) said...

yes, not the same. beautiful but nowhere near the beautiful outcome you deserved.

Snickollet said...

Gorgeous photos. I have tears on my face as I write this, imagining your lost one playing in the leaves.

Life is unfair to an extreme sometimes.

Lori said...

A very poor substitute, but beautiful still...

When I look back on that first year, it did feel as though every three months was a new and difficult anniversary. 3 months...6 months...9 months... Ironically, almost like the trimesters of pregnancy.

Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

The photos are beautiful. I am sorry this day isn't different for you.

charmedgirl said...

sometimes i think i will live under this haze, under this sense of missing something, of loss, for as long as i was pregnant. nine months. i don't know what will happen when it comes, but right now it feels like floating towards the edge of a flat earth.

that gold tree- wow. glorious.
i'm sorry.

ms. G said...

I like the pictures. I feel the same, I have taken many pics of things since M died, but, like you said, they are a poor, poor substitute.

Bon said...

no substitute, and yet...they are what they are, aren't they? blood and tears together, like those berries, and beautiful nonetheless.