I am not my body. My body is not exactly up to factory standards, but I can't return it or put in for replacement of defective parts, so I deal. I live for the numbers, though. In the ancient times when I could wrangle my body to my will, make the defective parts run to an ok approximation of the industry standard, the numbers were my weight, length of my cycles, my LH spike for ovulation purposes, mid-luteal progesterone as a benchmark for those early pregnancy readings, and hCG and its doubling, or not, for the pregnancies. There were also thyroid readings as necessary. Pregnancies brought their own numbers-- weeks, heart rates, crown-rump, nuchal fold, probabilities, glucose tests, blood pressure, protein in urine. This year brought measurements of heart rate and blood pressure sans pregnancy, too many stuck LH readings, and now the cyst size. Numbers, numbers everywhere. I am a geek.
But at no time did these numbers measure my worth. I am not my body.
Waiting for JD's numbers this weekend was somewhat different because I worried about how he would take it if the results were not good. Before we had Monkey, two different tests showed borderline low numbers. We talked about this when this test was first ordered. Whatever the test says it won't matter, I said. It means nothing. It's just to tell us what we need to do. This feeling did not change for me as the test, and then the results day approached. Good, I thought, at least I am not a hypocrite. He is not his body either.
To be completely, thoroughly honest, I was thinking that given the history, some of the numbers will be on the low side. I even thought that if they are, we might get the diagnosis of male factor added, and that it might actually help speed up our stupid insurance coverage.
There are other things, too. The cultural stereotype of manliness=virility is alive and well, and is reinforced in this case by two cultures. We also conceived A on the first try. Variance, she is a bitch, in poker and in life, and it can mess with your head but good in both settings. I had that going this summer, when I sooooo hoped to get pregnant that first month we were allowed to try. I think I got over it the day I realized PCOS was kicking my butt, and ovulation was no longer forthcoming. I couldn't really tell where JD was on these things.
Yesterday afternoon we got the results. They are worse than we thought. In fact, the one parameter I thought was least likely to be affected, based on the three previously recorded conceptions, was in fact affected. We have low motility. Very low. Very very low. The numbers are bad, and they don't matter. We have low motility. Yes, we. Because JD isn't his body either. It's just what we have to deal with.