Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Confused

I didn't post yesterday because I was a mess. Upset, anxious, wired mess. JD came back from his appointment with some good news (no mechanical issues, no surgical exploration needed), orders for more tests, and no information on what the urologist would recommend for the course of treatment now or as a result of seeing the test results. I was mighty pissed at lack of that last bit of information. More tests, and a follow-up appointment in the new year felt like pushing things off some more. I mean if nothing is going to change in this month of waiting for tests and results, can I start a cycle while we wait? If the tests are just to determine whether he might benefit from a dose of testosterone prior to my producing an egg, than can we please get on with producing an egg while we wait? Not knowing an answer to that is driving me nuts, although I suppose we should get some kind of an answer tomorrow afternoon when we see the RE.

This morning started off pretty badly. Since my medical care is at The Big Hospital (TBH), while I work at The Other Big Hospital (TOBH), and there is a shuttle that runs between them, I figured I would get to work as usual and catch the shuttle to my ultrasound appointment. Getting to work as usual, though, involves parking my car at a garage affiliated with TOBH and taking a shuttle that runs every 15 minutes and takes about 20 to get there. So does anybody see how a shuttle that I was counting on taking to TOBH breaking down instead would throw a wrench into this carefully orchestrated plan? And how it would be equally frustrating to then have the inter-hospital shuttle take extra 10 minutes to get there? So I can probably be forgiven for thinking that by the time I got to TBH they would tell me that I missed my appointment and need to reschedule. I don't know whether it was simply luck or the magic of my hospital ID complete with the sad shuttle story, but the receptionist was extremely nice to me and said they will accommodate me.

And indeed, the tech came out pretty soon, was very nice, and even agreed to leave the screen at an angle where I could see it. The angle wasn't great, so I was not sure I believed what I was seeing until she asked "So you had a cyst on the right ovary?" That's right-- it turns out that I was completely wrong in my prediction that Immanuel would stick around and demand an honor guard for his surgically orchestrated exit. It appears to be gone. I am confused because there is still some pain in that area, but I guess I will just have to accept that I am simply so ginormous now that my organs are starting turf wars for the space as yet unoccupied by adipose tissue. And yes, before you all yell at me, I promise to ask the RE about the pain tomorrow. I suppose it is possible that Immanuel burst around the time I was having the worst of this pain. And I suppose it is possible that my pain threshold is high enough that I only registered it as unpleasant, but not yet worth a call to the doctors.

Well, whether it left with a bang or a whimper (dissolving slowly and quietly), it is still gone, and that is the good news here. It is also CD1 (making the last cycle 27 days, after 39 days, after 72 days-- fun!), which is convenient for the RE appointment purposes, I hope. I am still a little disoriented, not knowing what to expect tomorrow, and not wanting to get my hopes too high up, but still having the distinct feeling that if we leave the appointment without some kind of a date set up for some kind of something or other to start happening, there will be tears.

15 comments:

Bon said...

do you're think you're confused because the news thus far, despite the wretched shuttle trip threatening to throw all off course, is good?

you've been beaten around by being made to wait...and i so hope that you are able to walk away from tomorrow with clear (and present!) plans, with only tears of relief.

fingers crossed for you.

Julia said...

Yes, Bon, I think I am confused by exactly that. It has been like a bad movie build-up, and genre dictated that the news should be bad or terrible, and I was all set to fight for the earliest surgery date available. And then this. So now I am not sure how to start believing it, and I am not sure what to prepare for, what the next fight is going to be about. I also realize this is not entirely healthy, but I can't seem to make the decision that it is ok to put my guard down, because I expect a major smack down to be delivered forthwith should I be so stupid as to do that.

niobe said...

I was going to say that the news sounds pretty good all round, but I see that you and Bon beat me to it. And really, is there a reason to think that there are going to be any serious delays? Hoping for a schedule you can live with and no tears at all.

Lori said...

Oh, I am keeping my fingers crossed that the green light will be given very, very soon.

It's funny... I can remember so clearly sitting across the table from my RE talking to him after we lost Molly and Joseph. He was giving me all of the logical reasons we should wait longer, and I could see him noticing the tears starting to fill my eyes. He stopped mid-sentence and said something along the lines of, "You know... there is really no reason not to at least get things started. How about we start with Plan A, see what happens, and then go from there." I could have leaped across that table and kissed him.

I am hoping for a similar scenario for you!

meg said...

Good news all around. I am so glad the cyst is gone and no surgery is needed. That is wonderful.

I hope that you get a plan figured out tomorrow at the RE's. No delays would be very good. And I hope so much that there will be no tears.

And that trip with the shuttle bus sounds completely horrendous. That would have me in tears, for sure.

Good luck for tomorrow. I will be thinking of you both.

Aurelia said...

Well, I am amazingly happy for you today!

I know it's confusing and strange, but this is good news my dear, even if it feels a bit weird.

Tash said...

Shuttle, shmuttle. Lovely that cyst made an exit. Is it possible to be a bit aggressive in starting your own treatment tomorrow, regardless of the state of knowledge in the male side of things? I mean, like you said, CD1 -- time to get going if anything's going to be done, no need in letting the entire month go to pot. Set a plan, I say! I love plans.

Beruriah said...

"I am simply so ginormous now that my organs are starting turf wars"

Bullshit.

On to the other information. I'm glad CD 1 was cooperative in its arrival and I hope the RE will let you get moving on something this month. I will hope for dates, but I think you can definitely demand some idea of a possible schedule.

Sorry this morning sucked so badly. I hate shuttles and traffic and really all mechanical methods of transportation, except for bicycles.

My Reality said...

I am so happy to hear Immanuel has left on his own without the assistance of a surgeon.

What tests does the urologist want to do? Could they determine anything that could impact a potential pregnancy or are they just repeat counts? I think if they were the latter, I would do what I could to get this show on the road. If they are the former, I think, as awful as it would be, I would be inclined to wait. You have been through enough heartbreak, you don't need anymore.

It isn't fair to have to deal with both male and female factor infertility at the same time. It just makes the puzzle more complex.

slouching mom said...

I'm happy to hear your good news.

(And what's your secret? I'd like Gus to go the way of Immanuel.)

christina(apronstrings) said...

oh delay....even a hint of delay throws me into a well of unhappiness. it's awful and why the fvck don't they get that?
how long have we been waiting!??
i hope your expectations are proven wrong and that things get going soon. very soon.
xoxo

Snickollet said...

Goodbye and good riddance, Immanuel. And so glad that JD does not need surgery, although the frustration about the lack of direction onwhat might be going on.

I am hoping for a better day for you today and good news from the RE.

Magpie said...

I think the news is cautiously optimistic? Good luck today at the RE.

thrice said...

Yes, I echo the good riddance of Immanuel! Wrenches thrown into carefully orchestrated plans are so, so annoying.

Will you humor me and remind me if ICSI will be enough to bypass JD's sperm issues?

wannabe mom said...

i echo the sentiments above. i'm sorry that you have to Keep. On. Waiting. glad to hear that your last cycle was 27 days, hopefully it starts to act more normal.