Monday, December 24, 2007

The one thing

If you could wave a wand (not that wand, you perverts!) and have those that just don't get it understand one thing, and one thing only, what would it be?

For me, I think, at least today, it would be that things for us will never be normal again. Not like for other people. That if and when we get to our new normal, it will still include permission to break down at whatever it is that trips us up, to feel happy and sad at the same time, and to forever know that we are missing a nontrivial part of our worlds. Is this still all one thing?

And what about you?


meg said...

That they mattered.

Beruriah said...

Mmmmm...what to add to what Meg and you have already said?

That it will never really be "all better."

teki said...

I wish others understood that it really does hurt when you get a divorce. For longer than a week.

christina(apronstrings) said...

i wish that people would understand that fears instilled in me in childhood, have almost all subsided, but a tiny bit...that still matters is still there.

i simply wish that anyone, beside my mother or children, wouldn't invade my space..suddenly and without warning. when they do, it sends me into survival mode. secretly. they never know, of course, but it ruins the next few hours. i'd rather, of course, not be reminded of that.

and no one knows or gets that, and G-d forbid i say anything. i'm sure the answer would be to 'get over' it.

the person i wished understood it the k. since he had the perfect childhood, and because he would kill himself before he would ever harm me..he can't fathom how utterly terrifying sudden physical contact is...especially by a man. who is 5'11 and who weighs 100 lbs more than me. and even though i've tried to tell him..he just doesn't get it.

goodness, i never really told anyone this. accept my counselor...who said it will never go away.

i make it sound a bit more dramatic than it really is...but it's there. and i hate it.

christina(apronstrings) said...

as an outsider to still birth and those desperately trying to cope...wish i understood the difference between caring, compassion and pity.

oftentimes when i read your and niobe's blog i get so paranoid about offering pity. because i imagine that that is not what you need. and never what i want to convey. ever.

it concerns so much that oftentimes, i read your blog, and do not comment...which is, of course, worse. i then come back and leave some sort of comment. but still.

that said, i would appreciate where you think the line is btwn pity and compassion. support and condesension. does that make sense?

if it's not too annoying, i would also like to know what you need from your community? what are good things to say...and those that bother you?

niobe said...

Sometimes, I think that at some level they actually *do* understand. They just don't want to face what they know to be the truth. There are none so blind as those who will not see.

Coggy said...

I agree with Niobe. I think it's too hard for most people to admit they get it, because then there would be no bubble for them to hide in either.

Anonymous said...

I wish the magic wand would make people more compassionate and understand that tragedy doesn't just change you for a short time, but for a lifetime.

Lori said...

what meg said.
sorry for the short hand-im on my mobile
oh, and that they still matter-a lot.

Aurelia said...

What Meg said.

And I also wish that people wold stop ranking experiences, like if I say that my child's death mattered, they assume I am taking something away from their life experience with grief.

It's not a competition. We can all feel bad without one death meaning more than another.

Tash said...

I'm only just realizing that really, it's not US who needs the therapy after these things happen, it's the extended family who can't cope with both the tragedy (to the extent they felt anything) AND grieving people. Like Niobe said, I think they do get it, but they go into all sorts of denial, and acting happy, just to motor along like nothing happened so WE don't upset their apple carts. Who are we to upset! Shame on us!

One thing? Read a book on grief, a good one. Follow at least one suggestion in the book. maybe others will follow.

Casey said...

I wish some people (dad, I'm looking at you) would realize that telling me that so many people would love to trade places with me isn't really being supportive. Is there really someone out there who wants to have a disease that makes them believe that the only meaningful contribution they'll make to this world is a suicide with no messy clean-up? I doubt it.

I don't need people to relate to me. I don't even need them to understand. I just need them to believe me when I say that this shit is hard.

Julia said...

Thank you, everyone. I know that I shouldn't be surprised by how many different things people around us can be (or appear to be) clueless about. And I am not, not really. But it does make me sad, every time. I am sorry, guys.

Christina, first, I am so sorry about this deep hurt. The trauma that hurts you forward, that takes away your security, even with the most important people in your life. I am sorry.

But man, you sure don't ask easy questions. The easiest (and the most unclear) answer is I know it when I see it, and I think you do too. But I keep thinking about this, and I keep coming back to what Sara (B) said a while back-- that the intention seems to come through. That the people who are easy to talk to react selflessly in that the reward for them is emotional intimacy. So it comes down to whether the words are spoken to make self feel better about the craptacular situation or to offer genuine comfort. Does this make sense? Or is it still a cop out?

christina(apronstrings) said...

aurelia-everyone who goes through anything freakin' ranks it. who desings the grief o'meter?

julia-i think that's a good explanation. although, i think even selfless people step on others toes and add to someone's sense of hurt.

Catherine said...

That they ARE my children and they ARE dead. It is a current state...not something that happened and is now over. That they were my children and they died, implies it is all in the past. It's not. I still love them and miss them...and I always will.

ms. G said...

Julia, this post struck home with me. Especially after my week, with inlaws and the holidays. And what B said too-it will never be all better. Why doesn't anyone but us know this?

ms. G said...

Okay, I had not read Catherines comment when I posted. I so agree with that.

thrice said...

I wish people would truly understand how hurtful they are.