What is the bravest thing you ever did in your life?
I think I am supposed to say this is the bravest thing, the trying again, the daring to hope for an actual live take-home baby at the end. But is it really bravery when you don't feel like you have a choice? My family is not complete. Simple as that. Nobody can ever take A's place. That is so obvious I feel silly even writing it. But even before A died, he wasn't supposed to be my last baby. To stop now would leave us with one amazing kid and a hole the size not just of A, but of all of Monkey's siblings. The hole, really, the size of our family.
Monkey takes my breath away every single day-- with the way she talks, with the way she moves, with the way she is-- and yet, she is not enough. There are people who would call me greedy--to want more after getting one living child, the child so amazing, but also so challenging, so complex, so real that you could fill volumes and not be nearly done, so all of these things that it humbles you, every single day. Heck, when I put it like that, I start to feel greedy myself. Only not really, because now I also know just how much more room there still is in my heart. Monkey can't possibly be any more than she is. But she also can't be more than she is. She can't be it. For our sake and hers, this house is too quiet, there are too few children living here, there are too few relationships in this family. And so we can't stop, we can't not try again, we can't not risk it. Is it really bravery then?
I know what the braves thing my parents ever did was-- they packed up the family, and moved to a new country, with a new language. Even today, their accents are pretty easy to spot, and my father had more than his fair share of professional disappointments along the way. There are other things, of course, but none are the point now. The point is that we wouldn't have starved if we stayed. My parents had an actual choice. They made their choice, and they made their lives harder for it. That was brave. Me? I don't think our choice is nearly that brave.
So what was it for you, your bravest thing?