Thursday, August 23, 2007

My very own pity party

As I believe I mentioned before, I like to know where my next freak out is coming from. I expect tomorrow to be CD1. If this next cycle is short enough, it will be the last time we get to try before we have to stop to ensure that I can make my sister's wedding in June.

I also work on an academic calendar, which means that if it doesn't work next month, I am pretty sure I will have to give up on applying for permanent positions designated as starting in September '08. I am taking this year easy because I absolutely have to. Taking more than that "easy" can't possibly be a good career move, can it?

9 comments:

Caro said...

Wow that's some decisions. I'm not sure I could stop trying once I started however good the reasons are.

Beruriah said...

Damn it. I won't pity you, but I will be hoping so hard for you this month. The academic scheduling issue sucks - that's why Josh and I were willing to move a little quicker with our TTC than I may have been emotionally ready for.

Is adjuncting no longer an option? Or also not a good one if you now want that permanent position?

I so hope these questions will prove irrelevant.

niobe said...

I'm sure I'm being slow here, but why would you have to give up applying for positions for September '08? Presumably, if you're not going to try again until June '08, you wouldn't be pregnant for the interviews. (of course, pregnancy discrimination is against the law anyway, but I understand that things don't always work that way). And even if you were pregnant in September '08, you'd be only a few months along and (barring difficulties with the pregnancy) would be able to work for a fairly substantial time before taking maternity leave. Or is it that you'd just rather not work while you're pregnant?

Julia said...

Caro, this is why I asked my doctor to start trying earlier than he was absolutely comfortable with-- so that we can have a few tries before we have to stop. But now I am up against it, and freaking out.

Beruriah, adjuncting is possible, of course. I guess this was just brought to the whine stage because one of the local colleges posted a permanent position for 08 that I would very much want. There are complications with it anyway-- in terms of what they say they want vs. what I would like to convince them they want. But of course there is no point in trying if I can't be there in September 08, ha?

Niobe, we only need to stop for a little while-- I can attend the wedding pregnant, I just want to make sure I am not likely to be on bed rest for it. So if we get lucky soon after we start to try again, I will either have a month-old infant, or be looking to deliver right around the start of that school year. Fun times.

Bon said...

as we begin - just begin - to talk about trying again, i'm walking through all these same types of scheduling issues in my own head...it is so hard to put things (career plans, applications) on hold for a dream i can't control, and yet i know very well that the "throw caution to the wind, it'll all work out" plan hasn't exactly been foolproof for us in the past. the powerlessness is hard. i don't want to miss anything. more, i don't want to NOT apply for things if it turns out that baby #3 is slow in the coming...i want the consolation prize, i suppose. but i would trade all the jobs in the world if i just KNEW that things would work out, and i hate the idea of being caught in the middle.

does that resonate, or am i just blathering? sorry, Julia...that was meant to be empathy and not just me going on.

i have big hopes for you this month. i sense the urgency in your "voice."

Julia said...

Yes, Bon, it's very much like that. It's a little worse, actually-- the field I have switched to doesn't have very many openings in good places. And yes, what I really really don't want to happen is to sit here a year from now with no baby and no job.

meg said...

Yeah, just one more thing that isn't fair about all this. I have been going through a lot of this in the past 3 years. My perfectly managed career is kind of a mess right now. I have had to quit gigs because of pregnancy or loss and I have avoided going after things that I should have, because of not wanting to take on something huge, in case I got pregnant again. I'm not saying that it is permanently damaged, but I'm so not where I should be right now.

I have somehow accepted things as they are for right now (but I am bitter about it). I truly hope that things work next month and then you can plan things out for next year. I know, this not knowing thing is supremely frustrating.

Beth said...

Here's where I'm at in terms of working to bring another baby into my family, and accommodating my academic goals/needs etc as well ...

I cannot predict the future; I only know what I want and what I need. I will very likely get accepted into the graduate program of my choice. I will also very likely get into my second choice. I might not. But I really won't if I don't apply! I would begin fall of '08, with a required practicum the summer of '09 or '10.

I might get pregnant next cycle. I might not. I might carry to term. I might not. I might need to conceive three more times before carrying to terms. Or maybe five times, or once. I might have a newborn one year from now, or two years from now. (Current score: ten conceptions, three live births).

My lengthy point is that for me, not knowing when means little: I will do all I need to do to bring both a baby and grad school to fruition: if that means I end up giving birth two days before grad school begins, or mid-semester, or the week my practicum is scheduled to begin, well, so be it. I'll figure out how to deal with it when it happens.

I want both. I might not get both; or, I might get both in awkwardly timed ways. I'm just praying it works out ....

thrice said...

"And yes, what I really really don't want to happen is to sit here a year from now with no baby and no job."

Not that it would happen to you, but if I tried to schedule a pregnancy, the worse case scenario would happen to me.