Thursday, January 31, 2008

Birth Day

 

When A was born, JD saw him first-- my still huge stomach was blocking my view. When the nurse lifted him to my chest, he was so so beautiful, and what came out of my mouth was "Oh, baby..." In English.

We didn't pick A's first name until after he died. It was the name at the top of the list, but we didn't settle on it until after. He didn't have a middle name until some time after he was born. He looked to me like he was missing a middle name, and that was one problem we could fix. His name, first and middle, is big, strong, full of sound. Such a big name for such a small boy.

I sang one song to A. The song that I sang hundreds, probably thousands of times to Monkey before. A sweet lullaby from a very good Old Country movie, the lullaby the heroine sings to her doll. Monkey's name fits easily into the song. A's not so much, but I made it work. I hit the high note, twice, and almost made it all the way through, but I had to whisper the last two lines.

29 comments:

Karen said...

Oh Julia. I'm thinking of you often. I've nothing else to offer, just that.

c. said...

What a beautiful picture, Julia. Your rememberance of that day so touching. I'm so sorry.

Rosepetal said...

Thinking of your sweet A and so so sorry he isn't here with you. It's not the way it should be.

Bon said...

oh tears, for that sweet little hand, and your boy.

our names were chosen rather similarly...and the song, and the last notes i couldn't do. exquisite beauty in those moments, as you write them, but so much ache and sorrow. it should not be this way, and it is.

little A, you are remembered, and missed.

Snickollet said...

Oh, baby, yes indeed.

So deserving of his big, strong name and so much more.

Beruriah said...

Beautiful. Here it is already, the day after, and my heart aches to think of what this day too was like for you last year. Much love to you, Monkey, JD, and A.

christina(apronstrings) said...

i know this is incredibly hard, and i know that you are a fighter and will make it through, but my goodness my heart aches for you. xoxoxo

Tash said...

Oh, sweet sweet baby.

You are missed. My heart aches for you, Julia. Simply aches.

meg said...

Julia, such a beautiful photo. I am thinking of you, JD, Monkey and A.

As everyone else has said...my heart is aching for you.

Magpie said...

Sigh.

Thinking of you.

slouching mom said...

Oof.

I'm so sorry.

What a beautiful remembrance.

xxoo

Phantom Scribbler said...

Thinking of you here, all of you. With tears in my eyes.

AmyinMotown said...

Beautiful, Julia. I've been holding your family in my prayers this week, all of you.

kate said...

A beautiful photo and a beautiful memory....thinking of you.

kalakly said...

I cried even before I finished your post. My heart is so broken, and now even more. I am so, so sorry.

sweetsalty kate said...

I love the picture, and your words, and your song. My heart to you, and to honour your boy... birthday. Never such a word loaded with so much hope and unfairness and love and heartbreak.

I've never seen such a beautiful picture of a child like yours. To me it represents peace, despite the sadness a mama carries. It just says 'peace', even before I'm ready to accept it. So I stare at it and try to learn. Does that make sense? Thank you for sharing it.

Thinking of you today.

niobe said...

Beautiful words to go with a beautiful picture.

Lori said...

I'm at a loss for words... but I love the photo and I am thinking of you and your boy right now.

My heart is with you.

Beth said...

Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry.

Coggy said...

Your photograph is such a beautiful.
There are not the words to express how sorry I am.

Coggy said...

Sorry that should say your photo is so beautiful. My typing gets worse. x

My Reality said...

My heart breaks that A is not here for this day.

Thinking of all of you. A might not be here, but he is not forgotten.

Aurelia said...

Oh sweetie, I don't know what to say, so I'm just here, abiding with you.

ms. G said...

Thinking of you Julia. Beautiful picture.

Birdies Mama said...

Julia,

what a beautiful photograph....it says more than words can. I am so sorry that A is not here with you. Lying in your arms and staring into your eyes. I am just so sorry.

Your family is in my heart, I am thinking of you today and everyday.

Erin.

Rosalind said...

I'm so sorry ..What a beautiful picture

Ahuva Batya said...

What a beautiful moment you painted. Beautiful and hopeful, even in such pain. Strength to you.

thrice said...

Beautiful picture indeed. How I wish, as you, that A's life had turned out differently. I'm so sorry

Amelie said...

You're amazing for almost singing the full song, I think I wouldn't get past 2 lines without choking.
I'm so sorry that your son with the big, strong name cannot be with you now.